Soundtrack: Arcade Fire / Neighbourhood #2
I fight a lot. I fight me, you and everyone we know. I think there's a title in that. Back and forth. Forever. I fight the fact that I was born to fight. I fight the fact that nothing was ever handed to me on a platter and GOOD, BETTER, and I was told when I was a 14 year old asking for five dollars that THAT was how it was going to be. Nothing for you. Back and forth. Forever. You will have to fight for everything.
Somewhere along the way I forgot exactly where to point the fight. So sometimes, like a fire hose held by a lone Fireman, I grab a hold of the fight and spray it helicopter style, drenching those around me with fight fight fight. I didn't mean to, I could've done with more firemen.
Forgive me. I don't. And the fire still burns.
I ordered a coffee from the cafe next door and as the Coffee Lady smiled cheekily at me I wondered if she heard me having loud sex a few days before. I blushed and spilled froth on her counter. Freud would've been proud.
Fighty flighty fighty McFight. Enlist some more firemen, firemen I might. And if you rub their helmets they will spit in your eye, last night I tried and I cried and I cried, OH YEAH FUCK YES.
Is that too masturbatory Anon? I hope so. The truth is, Truth is a wank.
And occasional silliness, a joy to behold.
I rode my bike back. My new bike. My new bike that makes me look like a cool character from Stand By Me. Only a 33 year old one. I stuck a Richmond sticker on it because that's the only sticker I got and because the football excites me. When I ride my bike alone, I do it fast and feel living tickle my face, and I smile a lot and do that thing where you are on the edge of tears you are so alive. And every tree I call my friend, because some of them resemble people I know.
Mostly I smile at people I pass, but sometimes I do that thing where you just look forward as though on a mission.
I'm not nervous about seeing someone, or someone seeing me I should say. I'm impatient. I'm impatient because I know the first time they have to ask you all these standard questions and no, I've never had suicidal thoughts. Quite the opposite in fact. I've always wanted to live forever and ever until the end of time and get rich and live in a house like Christopher Lambert does in Highlander. Selling antiques that I have kept through the ages. Watching the Human Race explore space, if we make it that far. I hope we do. Why would I want to die?
That probably means I want to die. Psychology is like a Reverse Card in Uno. It doesn't make the game go faster, just sets you on a different path.
To you, I might be odd. But to me, I'm as real as they come.